I wear this ring of gold around my neck,
For now it is the closest thing to you.
Never wear gold but for you what the heck?
Turning into a real man, I always knew.
I miss you more than you could ever know.
You are growing up, making us so proud,
So brave, you have no idea, letting go.
At graduation, I'll be cheering so loud.
You are becoming stronger by the day,
Life for you will become so much better.
Keep following your orders and obey,
And I will keep to writing you letters.
I'm counting down the days we meet again,
For now little brother, continue to gain.
I liked that you used a form and it came out sounding good. I know I am not possible of that. But I enjoyed the ending it was very unexpected because at first I thought it was a partner you were speaking about and then I thought, maybe a child (if you had any) But the ending just tied it all together it was really nice. It makes me feel like you're proud of your brother which is sweet.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem! I loved the entire 2nd verse, so relatable to anyone knowing someone in the service or even a friend/relative thats away at college. I immediately thought of my younger brother who is far away at college and how much i miss him! Great job
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece. Interestingly enough I had the same reaction as Darlene. I thought you were specking to a boyfriend, then to a child when you spoke about him growing up. Even at the end I had figured out that it was someone on the military but finding out that it was your little brother was still a surprise. It all came together so beautifully. Very touching.
ReplyDeleteVery strong piece and very relateable! I think we all have someone in the service who we care about and miss. Obviously you made the form work but I think it's very restraining and there are places where you had to really try to find a rhyming word. Maybe try the poem in free verse? You'll definitely have more freedom and liberty, and I bet without the restraints of the form you could make it even more moving and powerful.
ReplyDelete